amen.

My (quite) controversial interpretation of certain events in the Bible. If you may be offended by this, I do suggest that you don't click "Read More". This just purely a satire/parody thing, and probably WILL be offensive.

I basically wrote a mini-screenplay for each event, as I imagine them to have (supposedly) happened.

Enter Adam
A: "I'm lonely"
One removed rib later... Enter Eve
E: "Hi Adam."
A: "Was it completely necessary to rip a rib out? You'd think a God that made the world can make another human out of nothing?!"
G: "Shut the hell up and procreate"
A&E: "What is 'hell', and 'procreate'? We cannot understand the concept of un-good"
G: "Dammit these guys are morons" *invents a snake*
Enter Snake
E: "A SNAKE! Here, snakey-snakey! THERE'S A GOOD BOY"
S: "I can talk English alright."
E: "Oh cool. That's spiffing."
S: "Hey want to do something sinful and eat from the Tree of Knowledge so that you can understand all the evil in this world?"
E: "I don't understand. Because I cannot understand Bad-anese"
S: "Who invented such a moron? Just follow me!"
E: "SURE THING"
Later... Eve has eaten from the Tree of Knowledge, led by the snake, and God is present
E: "HOLY MOLY I AM NAKED. BLAST AND GODDAMIT."
G: "You called?"
E: "MAKE ME SOME CLOTHES, YOU STRANGE PERVERTED BEING."
G: "Lol hell no you ate from the tree I unnecessarily placed in here to test your inability to differentiate right from wrong. Wait holy crap I just realised why that makes no sense. Shit."
E: "Can I have clothes yet?"
G: "Have a leaf. Or three."
Enter Adam
E: "Hey Adam have some fruit."
A: "Sure! Yum yum for fruit!"
*Adam chokes*
E: "Lol you got pwned, n00b."
A: "Honestly what the fuck would you do that for? But awesomesauce now I have an acquired adaptation that will inexplicably be passed onto future generations without fail."
G: "Kids! I am ANGRY and such that you did something bad. Even though you don't understand what 'bad' is. I will kick you out of the garden and put dudes with flaming swords out front [I'm not shitting you, that's in the Bible]. And BAHH Adam I condemn you to work hard to stay alive! And BAHH Eve. I'll think outside the box here. I'll be forward thinking and MAKE CHILDBIRTH PAINFUL. HOW YOU GONNA TAKE THAT?!"
E: "What's childbirth?!"
G: "SILENCE FOOL. BAHH Snake I now command you to stfu and have no legs."
S: "Hiss."
G: "MUAHAHA. That was pointless. I should really find something better to do."
Exeunt


Enter Noah and God
G: "Hey Noah, I'm gonna flood the crap out of the WORLD. Think fast-ish"
N: "Alright, I'll just build a giant-ass boat."
G: "Uhh... whatever floats your boat TROLOLOL"
Later...
N: "Ahh fuck I forgot the unicorns."
In 2004
G: "I'll make this other dude called Noah. The old one built a motherfucking boat. But this one will build a MOTHERFUCKING HOUSE. And he will read to his wife suffering from dementia from HER OWN NOTEBOOK. The movie about him will have a CREATIVE TITLE."
2004 Noah: "Fuck there were no unicorns in this movie."


Enter Joseph and Mary
M: "Hey Joseph."
J: "Yes, Mary?"
M: "I'm pregnant."
J: "How?! You told me you were a virgin! And we haven't done anything yet!"
M: "Yeah I'm still a virgin. But I'm pregnant."
J: "Oh okay. That makes sense. How did that happen?"
M: "Uhh. God impregnated me randomly."
J: "Oh awesome. I thought you might've cheated on me. But this makes total sense."
M: (WINNER!)
Guy presumably dressed in white, Angel, enters
A: "You will name the unborn baby-"
J: "God's baby!"
A: "Yes... God's... baby. I... have nothing to do with this. Anyway, call him Jesus."
J: "Will do!"
Exit Joseph
M: "I can't believe that worked"
A: "Hell yes!"
*Hi 5*
*Optional scene where they get it on*