happily ever after

Here are some contrived morals and interpretation of some popular fairy tales. Because I was bored okay.

Cinderella
Fact1: All her nice clothes and apparent princess-ness disappears by midnight.
Fact2: She left her slipper behind. It stayed nice and glassy for long enough so the prince could find who it fitted.
Hence, we can conclude that the clothes that are not on her body at midnight stay nice and princessy, and so does she.
Lesson: Don't be a prude, have sex on the first date. Or at the very least, get naked.

Sleeping Beauty
It's fine to kiss a babe as long as she's not conscious.
I may be wrong though. All I remember of the story is 1.Pretty girl is sleeping 2. Prince sees her 3. Briefly wonders what to do 4. Kisses her.

The Ugly Duckling
It's not fair to judge prepubescent individuals. You must wait until after puberty before deciding whether to lust or ridicule them.

The Boy Who Cried Wolf
This is what Kiwis did before they realised how much fun they could have with sheep.
iirc, the boy cried wolf cos he was lonely. By that logic, it is basically a party if you call Wolf and all the villagers come armed with spears and shit.

Rumpelstiltskin
Dwarves/midgets are fucking assholes. They also sing about their own name when nobody listens.

Rapunzel
Human hair does indeed have a similar ultimate tensile strength to industrial grade steel.
Cyanide and Happiness's Repulsel teaches us that not all hair is attached to the scalp.

The Gingerbread Man
Taught me ???. If you're good at running, don't rub it in people's faces. Otherwise a horse will eat you. This is the stupidest story ever.

Hansel and Gretel
Don't go into houses made of candy if you do not want Jigsaw to tell you he wants to play a game.
I honestly don't know why this story is suitable for children. I swear to God they got put into an oven. I'm not hallucinating right?

Jack and the Beanstalk
It is ultimately rewarding if you're trying to sell something and a guy offers you "magic beans" instead. I hypothesise that in actuality he didn't show them to his mum, but just ate it and tripped balls about that golden goose shit.
We know this is a fairytale because it talks about going into the sky and meeting a big powerful man there.

Princess and the Pea
All I remember is there's this girl who wants to enter the castle because it was a rainy night. She's a babe and claims to be a princess so the Prince says okay. The Queen (the Prince's mother) wants to test if she's a real princess by putting a pea under like 50 mattresses.
SPOILER: The girl couldn't sleep cos there was a fucking pea under all those mattresses. Man if that hurts I wonder why she doesn't have a black eye from all that rain that fell on her face. Anyways this means she's a princess (in the context of the fairytale, it is not sarcastic), and then the Prince decides to marry her. I wonder if the wedding ring broke her hand.
Lesson: If she complains about stupid shit, for some reason she's a keeper.

Goldilocks and the Three Bears
Fact1: Goldilocks comes into the house and fucks everything up
Fact2: The happy ending is that the bears scared the fuck out of her (she accidentally got mixed up between a bear and a human house, see), and she never came back. Problem solved.
Conclusion: Breaking and entering, vandalism and petty theft is instantaneously rewarding, and the problem is technically fixed so long as you do not attempt the same crime at the same house again.

Little Red Riding Hood
I'm just trying to remember why the hell this is suitable for kids. What do you learn? Don't walk in the woods by yourself. Even if your grandma somehow lives in a freaking forest.
I've always thought Little Red Riding Hood was a freaking retard.
Fact1: She was close enough to see its teeth. In the good minute of "omgah you have grown such huge ___!!!", she did not realise the distinctly non-humanoid form of the wolf.
Fact2: She could not differentiate between her grandmother's voice and a wolf's
You know, I think the protagonist is the wolf here... Are all the main characters in these stories tripping absolute balls?

The Three Little Pigs
Asking randoms for raw resources is acceptable and will work without fail. Who needs resources anyway. They're so overrated.
Blowing someone is the best way to get into their house. Conversely, telling someone you intend on eating them [out] will not work so well, "by the hairs of [his/her] chinny-chin-chin." They will probably run from you to their brothers house.

Some others that I don't remember the storyline of, but may be mockable:
Beauty and the Beast
The Little Match Girl
The Tinderbox
Thumbelina
Puss in Boots
Three Billy Goats Gruff
Tom Thumb