since i cbf

Have some witty puns I found. Highlight for punchlines.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Was that rage due to PMS?
Maybe it was just an ovary action.

If a 50g ruler is pushed with 5N of force for a total of 5 seconds, what is its final velocity? Ignore friction.
0. A ruler is always stationery.

If you hire an exorcist but don't pay up afterwards, prepare to be repossessed.

A soldier who has seen both mustard gas and pepper spray is one you would call a seasoned veteran.

Why did the condom fly across the room?
It was pissed off.

I read a book about anti-gravity. It was impossible to put down.

I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I was wondering where the sun goes when it's all dark. Then it dawned on me.

The wedding was so emotional that even the cake was in tiers.

I tried writing with a broken pencil. It was pointless.

I went out on a morning to try catch some fog in my net. I mist.

My sister set a tripwire which led to bras flinging eggs at you. One could call it a boobie trap.

Date once, date 'em all. Been shopping once, been to a mall.

I hired a painter to paint my house for me. I asked him where he gets the paint from and he told me it was on the house.

If you have phone sex you might get hearing aids.

I asked my butcher to fetch some meat from the top shelf. He only had a dodgy ladder. I offered him a tip. But he said the steaks were too high.

I tried to download porn on my computer but it just won't save. I think it lost its sex drive.

Child soldiers are legal. But only in the Infantry.

How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it

Not a pun (stolen off anti-joke thread on reddit):
Why did Suzy fall off her bike?
Because she had no arms.
Knock Knock
(Who's there?)
Obviously not Suzy.

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