knife in right hand, fork in left hand

I have three types of eating behaviours that are inexplicable to me, and maybe someone could clarify so my tolerance of such behaviours could be raised. I thank those enlightened minds in advance.

1. People who chomp their crunchy shit like they're fucking dinosaurs. rawr.

Like I know you can't avoid making a loud noise when eating crisps when they're already in your mouth. I forgive that. You cannot avoid that unless you suck on it, which defeats the whole purpose of the name "crisps". As well as "who the fuck likes soggy chips".
What I find irksome is when you're eating something large(r than your mouth), like prawn crackers or certain Doritos. Now, usually when it's too big, you put your lips on it to absorb the shock, and make an incision with your teeth (obviously and hopefully, your teeth are within your lips), so as to minimise spillage. Like a sir.
What I find astounding are those people that don't stop at ONLY separating the food at the point roughly equalling a mouthful, but to smash their teeth against the crunchy food as if to motherfucking shatter the whole biscuit/chip/cracker/I don't give a fuck as long as its crunchy. And hopefully somewhere along in the process, some fragments might end up in their mouth (the primary concern was getting those dB's up). And hey, it works, because your jaw is kind of capable of producing the most force out of any body part. It is not impressive at all if your teeth (we have established your cookie destroying jaws were actually designed to bite stuff) are capable of shattering abovementioned foods, because it takes no skill at all. If it were logically possible, it takes negative skill. When babies grow up, they stop wasting food. I would be impressed, say, if you were 100 and you wanted to show off that somehow your teeth were still intact and capable of this. Fine. But we are not yet so old.
Plus it drops a shitload of crumbs. If this is at camps, this makes our planned gay orgy midnight walkabouts a lot more disgusting. We're barefoot. If its like at school or some shit, it's just uncomfortable watching people drop shattered food remains everywhere. On white shirts. It's unsightly.

2. People who smack their lips while eating as if someone wanted an aural aid to count how many times they chew.

I can't describe the noise. You know when we tut at someone, and we kinda click the tongue against the roof of the mouth? Yeah, that noise. When you're eating, that is unnecessary. I think it's to demonstrate you're eating nice food. There's more effective ways of showing that off, like maybe people could passively pick up the smell of the delicious aromas. Maybe it looks delicious because you have some nicely marinated chicken and it's all glisteny and awesome looking. Or maybe you can shove it up your rectum and eat it afterwards to prove how even that does not tarnish its edibility - so powerful is the nice taste. Okay don't do the last one you'll probably get arrested for indecent exposure. I won't stop you from doing it at home, if that floats your boat.
It can't be the fact that you actually have food, because TI not A, and we are lucky enough to have access to food whenever we feel like. And if I can see you we're probably at recess or lunch, where everyone else has food anyway. Or maybe you're in class and you enjoy detentions or listening to threats of having to clean tables with your tongue. (I wonder if actually making someone do that is as illegal as we hope it is...)
If anything it shows off the fact you can substitute the primary source of aural annoyances (talking like an idiot) with your secondary sound-based weapon (chewing like a fish) because you can't even give us a break when you're stuffing your face.
So whatever point you're trying to make - we don't care.
A simple solution is to chew with your mouth closed - unless you practise it's really hard to make that clicking noise. Trust me I tried just then. You can trust yourself too because chances are you tried it just then too.

3. People who have the intrinsic need to name foodstuff in hopes of being Carl Linnaeus v2 - Food Taxonomist

All hail the annoying cries: It's a baklava! It's a baklava! It's a tiramisu! It's a tiramisu! It's a creme brulee! It's a creme brulee!
There is only one reason that I can think of why a roomful of people wouldn't mind you naming stuff. That reason is: when they asked.
Like if we were at a camp, and then I was some distance behind a friend, and wondering what version of gruel we were being served, I would ask. And they would project their voice rearward, heralding (hope that is a word) the good news of "some chicken looking stuff with corn and papier mache. Dessert is some cake shit." They would not shout out "chicken breast schnitzel with a side of golden fried potato wedges, assorted vegetables, papier mache, and don't forget the delightful dessert of tiramisu!"
Because nobody gives a fuck if you can name food when it's at a volume slightly above conversation level. If your private conversation rolls that way, sure, go ahead. But for the rest of the room - did not ask, did not care. I'd give a fuck if you could name something interesting like species of unicorns. Yeah, why don't you name us some unicorn species. And only unicorn species. Pegasus is kinda pushing it.
Like they'd serve us something with a cool name at a fucking camp anyway. Except papier mache. That just rrrrolls off the tongue.
I kid, they wouldn't serve us papier mache.
Why put in glue when you can just as easily not? So it's just paper and water.



Just so you know, these are not necessarily observed from people at school. I could've seen these behaviours at Cadets, (family) social gatherings, or even at restaurants, and then attached it to a school environment so my target audience (you!) could relate =P
If you think you are the target of this, go through this model
1) It's probably not you. No offence is directed at anyone.
2) Stop insisting it's you, I maintain it's not.
3) For the last time it's very unlikely that it is you.
4) Okay it actually is you. Go hang yourself with your own intestines.